I wasn't sure if I was going to share this. Not because it is any more personal to me than anything else I've written about on this blog - it has all been deeply personal. But I hesitate with this because it is ultimately not about me - it is about this child -- I hesitate because I don't want any future opinions about him colored. But I have decided to write about it - mainly because it depicts how much this journey is a journey of faith....and the point of me sharing our experience is to share with others what God has done and is continuing to do in our life. To hopefully encourage others to trust in Him with all they have.
As you know I sent the 6 pages of medical info to an international adoption pediatrician. 6 pages - I know, not much for a 5 year old...add on to that the fact that it has been translated from Chinese into English and large parts of it read "illegible". So who knows how accurate any of it really is...but nonetheless - I wanted to at least have it looked over. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't bothered.
We received a call back from the IA dr. - she told us what we could expect from his "obvious" special need. I'm not sure if I've mentioned on here yet that he has radial abnormalities. Basically his hands did not develop fully in the womb and he has some deformity of his right hand and almost complete deformity of his left hand. The dr. described that although some surgery to the left hand might possibly increase his usage - it will not ever be "normal". We already knew this and have really considered it no big deal. I don't say no big deal to make light of this - but just to say that we are not concerned and this would never make us question our decision to move forward with adopting this child. We know that activities throughout his life will be more challenging to him - and there will no doubt be times when his feeling get hurt - but we are prepared to deal with all of that and love him just the same. What we were not prepared for is the next bit of information she provided. His measurements are low - off the chart low -- off the US growth chart and off the Chinese growth chart low. While she did not have any concerns about his height and weight being so low - she did raise concerns about his head circumference being so low - consistently. She mentioned that it is in the microcephalic range, which is concerning - as this is a high indicator of some sort of delay - whether it be cognitive, emotional, etc. She also mentioned that some kids just have a small head and that's all it is - a small head - they do not encounter any other difficulties. I will not lie - this information had me on the computer for hours searching for information.
It is impossible to tell if he will encounter delays or worse - it is impossible to tell if he is already displaying delays - we are not there with him - we simply do not know. I will not lie and say that this does not make me uneasy. It does - just when I felt good and at ease with our decision, here I am again questioning if I can really take this leap. Can I really give all of myself - wholly and completely to this child should he require major assistance - possibly well into his adulthood? Am I willing to add this risk on top of all the other risks associated with this adoption? I have even questioned if this is really what we are being called to do -- even though just last week I was 100% certain. It is scary to me how much of a sinner I am. The mention of one additional unanticipated thing that may make my life uneasy - turns me upside down and has me questioning our decision to move forward.
The bottom line is that we really don't know anything. We don't know the true medical situation that is or is not present. He may not be affected at all. The measurements may be wrong. The measurements may have been translated incorrectly. The file could have been copied from another kid. The measurements may be right - but he may just have a small head - he is a small kid. The measurements may be right - he may have minor delays that are totally manageable and do not cause much anguish. The measurements may be right - he may have major developmental delays. The measurements may be right - he might be severely mentally challenged. Bottom line is we simply do not know - and we probably won't until we get over there with him. All I know is that this boy is special (to us and to God)- and we need to keep walking down this path. We cannot give up on him simply because of the unknown. God is with us and will provide us what we need. So we take another step - another leap of faith.
I am now praying for peace again - not for patience as I was last week. But for peace of mind that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing - that this is truly what God has called us to do. Praying for God's hand in the decision process currently going on in China -- praying that if we are to have this child - if we are to raise this child in our home - that doors will open and China will grant us pre-approval (PA) to adopt this precious little boy. Also praying that God will begin to prepare us for what may come.
God has not forgotten Grant and we can't either. The following scripture has given me sustenance. "Then the King will say to those on the right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you fed me. I was thirsty and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger and you invited me into your home. I was naked and you gave me clothing. I was sick and you cared for me. I was in prison and you visited me.' Then these righteous ones will reply, 'Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' And the King will say, 'I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.'" ~Matthew 25: 34-40
