Trusting

I wasn't sure if I was going to share this. Not because it is any more personal to me than anything else I've written about on this blog - it has all been deeply personal. But I hesitate with this because it is ultimately not about me - it is about this child -- I hesitate because I don't want any future opinions about him colored. But I have decided to write about it - mainly because it depicts how much this journey is a journey of faith....and the point of me sharing our experience is to share with others what God has done and is continuing to do in our life. To hopefully encourage others to trust in Him with all they have.

As you know I sent the 6 pages of medical info to an international adoption pediatrician. 6 pages - I know, not much for a 5 year old...add on to that the fact that it has been translated from Chinese into English and large parts of it read "illegible". So who knows how accurate any of it really is...but nonetheless - I wanted to at least have it looked over. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't bothered.

We received a call back from the IA dr. - she told us what we could expect from his "obvious" special need. I'm not sure if I've mentioned on here yet that he has radial abnormalities. Basically his hands did not develop fully in the womb and he has some deformity of his right hand and almost complete deformity of his left hand. The dr. described that although some surgery to the left hand might possibly increase his usage - it will not ever be "normal". We already knew this and have really considered it no big deal. I don't say no big deal to make light of this - but just to say that we are not concerned and this would never make us question our decision to move forward with adopting this child. We know that activities throughout his life will be more challenging to him - and there will no doubt be times when his feeling get hurt - but we are prepared to deal with all of that and love him just the same. What we were not prepared for is the next bit of information she provided. His measurements are low - off the chart low -- off the US growth chart and off the Chinese growth chart low. While she did not have any concerns about his height and weight being so low - she did raise concerns about his head circumference being so low - consistently. She mentioned that it is in the microcephalic range, which is concerning - as this is a high indicator of some sort of delay - whether it be cognitive, emotional, etc. She also mentioned that some kids just have a small head and that's all it is - a small head - they do not encounter any other difficulties. I will not lie - this information had me on the computer for hours searching for information.

It is impossible to tell if he will encounter delays or worse - it is impossible to tell if he is already displaying delays - we are not there with him - we simply do not know. I will not lie and say that this does not make me uneasy. It does - just when I felt good and at ease with our decision, here I am again questioning if I can really take this leap. Can I really give all of myself - wholly and completely to this child should he require major assistance - possibly well into his adulthood? Am I willing to add this risk on top of all the other risks associated with this adoption? I have even questioned if this is really what we are being called to do -- even though just last week I was 100% certain. It is scary to me how much of a sinner I am. The mention of one additional unanticipated thing that may make my life uneasy - turns me upside down and has me questioning our decision to move forward.

The bottom line is that we really don't know anything. We don't know the true medical situation that is or is not present. He may not be affected at all. The measurements may be wrong. The measurements may have been translated incorrectly. The file could have been copied from another kid. The measurements may be right - but he may just have a small head - he is a small kid. The measurements may be right - he may have minor delays that are totally manageable and do not cause much anguish. The measurements may be right - he may have major developmental delays. The measurements may be right - he might be severely mentally challenged. Bottom line is we simply do not know - and we probably won't until we get over there with him. All I know is that this boy is special (to us and to God)- and we need to keep walking down this path. We cannot give up on him simply because of the unknown. God is with us and will provide us what we need. So we take another step - another leap of faith.

I am now praying for peace again - not for patience as I was last week. But for peace of mind that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing - that this is truly what God has called us to do. Praying for God's hand in the decision process currently going on in China -- praying that if we are to have this child - if we are to raise this child in our home - that doors will open and China will grant us pre-approval (PA) to adopt this precious little boy. Also praying that God will begin to prepare us for what may come.

God has not forgotten Grant and we can't either. The following scripture has given me sustenance. "Then the King will say to those on the right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you fed me. I was thirsty and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger and you invited me into your home. I was naked and you gave me clothing. I was sick and you cared for me. I was in prison and you visited me.' Then these righteous ones will reply, 'Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? When did we ever see you sick or in prison, and visit you?' And the King will say, 'I assure you, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.'" ~Matthew 25: 34-40

The Decision

I started to feel very strongly the past two weeks that God has placed a child in front of us and we are supposed to follow him and proceed down the path to adoption. While we wait to hear back from the agency contact there are so many what if's that I can think of and so many fears I have that this whole thing could go so terribly wrong. I feel so deeply that God is willing this - I must stand courageous and follow what I feel is right.

I read the Proverbs 31 Ministries daily devotion. Here is today's...

"Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?" 1 Samuel 17:26b (NIV)

I grew up loving the story of David and Goliath. I read about it in little Golden Books, and Sunday school teachers retold the drama using flannel boards. I can almost picture the shepherd boy David standing his ground in front of the giant Goliath with only a slingshot, while the entire Israelite army quaked in fear. Woosh, woosh, woosh, around his head the slingshot swung. With a strong arm, David let the stone fly and bam! The giant fell, and David was victorious.

What a great story! But is it a story to be left in the history books, or are we to learn anything from David's example? As I read the passage in 1 Samuel, chapter 17, a few things jumped out at me. First, David wasn't planning to get in a fight that day. He was just an errand boy sent to deliver food to his brothers. So truly, he was just a bystander to the fight. But as David neared the front lines, he quickly realized what was happening. He heard the taunts of Goliath, and got drawn into the situation. Something within David's heart started to stir. David tried to get someone to answer his questions about this bully. He wanted to know what was going to be done.

David finally asked in exasperation: "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?" David's anger wasn't for the threat given to himself, nor his brothers. His anger burned because someone dared to threaten and defy those chosen by his God.

When the trained professionals wouldn't step forward, David – confident of his God's power and protection – put five stones in his shepherd's bag and approached the bully. Calmly, David said to Goliath, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied" (1 Samuel 17:45).

We could write off the courage of David as a legend to be enjoyed, but not applied to our lives today. Except for two biblical truths: 1) David was a man after God's heart (Acts 13:22) and 2) God doesn't change (Malachi 3:6).

Although Jesus calls us to a life of forgiveness and compassion, even He didn't tolerate those who dishonored God's holy temple. With righteous indignation, Jesus turned over tables, and drove out money changers and those who were selling doves within the walls of the temple, accusing them of turning His father's house into "a den of robbers" (Mark 11:17). The Bible records many stories of men and women with moral courage. These individuals knew what was right, and were willing to take a stand in spite of their own fear. They weren't perfect, but the heroes of our faith saw injustice as more than a personal offense, they saw it as an offense against God.

As it becomes easier to settle into a life of ambiguity, our children are finding it harder to summon moral outrage. Today a challenge is set before us as parents to raise, and to be, men and women who will stand for what is right. We live in a world that needs the touch of God through the hand of His people. We can't be bystanders and make a difference.

As parents we can instill moral courage into our children by stepping out in faith to help someone else, in spite of inherent risks. You see, we can't learn moral courage from a book. We can only learn it by being brave once. Then doing it again

Dear Lord, there's a part of my heart that stirs when I read of the brave heroes in the Bible. I know there is so much to do in the world. But You know my fear. Help me to trust You more, so that I can stand up for what is right in spite of the danger. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Eric is there

WOW. I did not see this coming. Eric called me at lunch today. He never calls from work. I honestly thought something was wrong. It wasn't. He just said, "I think we should go for it".

So -- here we go. I am scared and at peace. This is from God.

Eric says he doesn't know if we are ultimately supposed to raise Grant - but he feels that we need to trust God and go down this path and see where God takes us. He is so wise.

Jen is there

I feel at peace. I feel God is calling us to attempt to adopt Grant. I say attempt because of the requirements China places on adoptive families. We do not qualify - we will need to see a waiver.

Eric and I talked for a long time tonight. He says he's still not sure. I completely respect that. And honestly am relieved to have the decision off me. While I feel that God is calling us on this path -- I am scared to death. There are so many what if's. So many. We are blind as to the outcome of this - completely. I am relying on the fact that I can continue to pray that if God desires this for our family that he will put Grant on Eric's heart...until then I will wait. But I did mention to Eric tonight that I'm there. I feel this is what we are supposed to do...and I don't want to still be sitting here considering Grant in December. Simply because time is important here. Grant turned five on September 5th - each day we sit around waiting is another day that he gets older. The older he gets the greater chance we have of him and Ashley being in the same grade. Having said that I did not put a deadline on Eric's decision. I am going to sit back and continue to pray for awhile more.

Contacted Agency

Although we still aren't sure if this is what God is calling us to do, we have contacted the agency that holds Grant's file to get some more information from them.

The lady that we contacted is out of the office on vacation until October 6th. Man, that seems like forever to get some more information. China has specific requirements that adoptive parents must meet. We do not meet two of those rules. In some instances they are willing to waive the requirements for waiting children (SN). We emailed the agency contact to see what she thought our chances of getting approved are. We will continue to pray about this child.

Compassion

I often wonder if I am called by God to adopt or if the desire to care for others is just something that my mother instilled in me. Or is it because I am to be called to adoption that God led my mother to instill this deep level of compassion for the orphan inside me. The longer I pray about this and for God to show me if this is His will for our life here on Earth - I lean more towards the latter. Towards God leading my Mother to instill this in me all those years while growing up. Growing up I can remember on multiple occasions my mom speaking of fostering children in our home. How she wanted to do this one day when her biological kids were grown and had left home. I haven't talked with her about this in many many years - I wonder if she still feels this way. My mother is a compassionate woman. She is very successful in the business world and very busy - she has a lot on her plate all the time - she always has. Yet she always finds time to do things for other people, including her children. I feel so blessed to have her as my example. I love her and her willingness to serve others. She is amazing. I hope that I am in my own way following in her footsteps. I will continue to pray about God's will for my life - for what Eric, Ashley and I have been called to do. Are we to open our family to an adopted child? Are we to give financially to orphanages? Are we to get involved in school planting to give these orphaned children a real chance at life? What is your will, oh Lord? Show us. Place your hand over us and guide us.

CHOSEN: If you were mine

Kids with no parents to love and protect them break my heart. Sick children break my heart.

Growing up I always said I wanted to be a pediatrician - first semester of college broke that dream. Since I came into college with so many AP classes and having taken college courses at the local community college while still in high school I came in that first year with enough hours to be a second semester Sophomore. So that first semester when I took Genetics, Biology and Chemistry at the same time...and didn't do so well in either - I really had to question if I really wanted to go to medical school bad enough to buckle down and get the work done. I didn't. I didn't want to buckle down and study all the time. I wanted to enjoy college and have fun with my friends. Ultimately I majored in accounting. Something that I enjoyed and that made sense to me. However being an auditor did not do anything for my love of children in need. What it did do is take me on a three week trip to China. While sightseeing on the weekends I saw loads of parents with Chinese babies. I didn't think much of it at the time. Really I don't think I even consciously realized what was going on until years later. But all these families were there adopting the orphans of China. Thinking back now I know exactly what they were doing - some were taking in all the culture they could in a few short weeks - learning all they could about the heritage of their new child, others were probably just passing the time before their consulate appointment. But they were all adopting children who had no mom or dad. All giving a forever family to a child who had no one to love and protect them.

I saw in our church bulletin a blurb about an adoption workshop. A couple in our Bible fellowship class is leading a new ministry, CHOSEN. CHOSEN is hosting the 'If You Were Mine' series over a 7 week period. We are considering attending. I'm not sure what it will be like. If it will focus on God's desire for the orphan or if it will be a class on steps to take to adoption. Either would be good for us at this point. You can never have too much information.