Prayer and Seeking

For those of you who don't know I've had 3 miscarriages in the past 15 months. God has taught me so much through these tough moments. So much. I am now completely reliant on God. I have given over all my plans and have surrendered to His will. His timing. He has strengthened me and my walk. The second miscarriage was the toughest on me - mainly because I was further along than I was with the first and really didn't even know if the first was the first until later (that probably doesn't make a lot of sense - but basically I never had any blood work done to confirm it). At the time of the second we had been trying to get pregnant for 9 months. I started miscarrying on Easter Sunday. I did not understand how God could create something so beautiful and then it not be meant to be. I did not understand how I could get past the feeling of sadness for the little life that was growing inside me that would never be. It was a tough time - a really tough time. But God led me through it and my love for him and desire to do all for him has grown tremendously. Over these past few months I have really learned to surrender what I think should happen to God's plan. I'm not saying that I have learned to sit on the sidelines of my life and not make decisions or not move forward - but I have learned to seek God's will - to ask for guidance - to pray to pray to pray. I have prayed these past few months like I never have before. And God has responded - he has opened my eyes and changed my heart.

Today was a strange day. I finally had my appointment with a specialist to discuss infertility and the miscarriages. If you asked me six months ago about this upcoming appointment I would have had my list of questions for the dr. layed out with my charts and zillions of ideas as to why we didn't have a child on the way yet and my zillions of ideas of what tests to run and what medications I should start taking, etc. But today I went in there with my head cleared - honestly I didn't even really care about going. I almost canceled my appointment - as you know we are seeking an approval on an adoption. I didn't really have much to say - didn't really have any burning questions for the dr. I'm in a weird place. It is such a change. But at the same time it's not a weird place - it's with God. I'm moving forward and seeking answers on the infertility and moving forward with this adoption - just waiting on God's work to be seen in either. So end of the story - Dr. gave me a prescription to make ovulation occur more regularly - he thinks this is the cause of my issues. A simple prescription - he thinks will work. A simple prescription that I could have had about 12 months ago - but I am so grateful to the Lord that I did not get this prescription months and months ago - I am thankful for all I have been through these past months to bring me to where I am today. It has been amazing. Hard at times - but amazing. I have been blessed through this.

I heard from the agency today that they submitted our LOI to CCAA (China) - so now we just wait. Wait for God to open doors if we are to adopt this little boy. It is a good place to be in. I feel comforted knowing that we are walking in his plan. I am not going to start the prescription unless CCAA denies our LOI and we know that we are not able to get Grant. I do hope that they approve us. Grant so needs a forever family...and I am going to once again be crushed if this child too is taken from me. But if that happens I have peace that it is God's will...and will be glad that we decided to follow him on this journey. I feel like I keep using that term in this post, God's will - but it is true. It is where I am. Complete dependence and trust in the Lord and his plan. I am so grateful to be here. I hope that I always am.